It is quiet. My baby is in bed as of about 5 minutes ago and it is the blessed end of a long day after a few, tiring, very long days. If I was smart, I'd probably eat a quick dinner, forget about the two loads of laundry still waiting to be changed out of the machine, and head straight to bed. But I don't want to go to bed, tired as I am, because I don't want to hurry the beginning of what could be another day like the last three. Today has been one where I've shed a lot of tears and maybe if I don't immediately go to bed, I can still make some good of it.
Jasper is 14 weeks old as of yesterday. It has been the happiest time of my life and the hardest. With a lot of help from visiting family and friends, I feel like I've been able to manage this new role really well, but the last two weeks or so have just about broken me. That is when the accumulative fatigue over the last 3 months seems to have settled in for a long, unwelcome stay and I can't for the life of me get ahead of it. I'm supposedly just on the cusp of Jasper figuring out some semblance of a schedule where he wakes, sleeps, and eats about the same time everyday. I feel like I've been eagerly waiting with bleary eyes for this to happen for weeks, for him to nap for 60 blissful minutes at one time to no avail, and at this point, I'd like nothing more than to let it go. But I can't let it go because it's the only hope I have of returning to some sense of normalcy and getting reacquainted with my former, happier, more confident self.
He's finally asleep. I really don't want to spend my free time rehashing the day's or week's un-pleasantries, but I do want to make a note of this impossibly difficult time so when it passes, I can remember I got through it and lived to tell about it. I have so much to be grateful for. So, so much. But even in the near-perfect circumstances I may have been given to start my adventures as a mother, sometimes it's hard. It's just really, really hard.
I may be new at this and not have a lot of perspective, but this child-rearing feels like one more element in my life I've introduced where I don't have control. And I so badly want to be in control. I want predictability, I want to have a plan. Why can't I have a plan?! One that actually listens to me?
I don't often share feelings like this on my blog, frequent as I may have them, because I don't like to revel in it. I'll share my feelings far and wide verbally because I get it out and then once it's over, it's in space and I ne'er must encounter those frustrations again. But this I need to document. Jasper's the first of what I hope will be a few children and with them I'm sure will come more days like today. And soon, I know it must be soon, I will be able to write that it's better. And that will be worth remembering.
At this time, I'd like to thank last night's amazing yoga class and my brother-in-law Rob for volunteering to take my baby on an outing and providing me a MUCH-needed mommy break yesterday. And I'd like to thank tomorrow for the sun coming out like the song promises it will.
And with that, I think it's time for some dinner.
11 comments:
I love you.
I wish I was there to help. I wish I had more availability for phone conversations.
That control/letting go/control cycle is not going to go away. Wanting to control, and not being able to, is one of the hardest things about parenting for me too. It does get better though. You will just find something else to want to control. :)
It's okay to feel like you do. And it's okay to say it (or write it!) But you will be happier when you can release some of those expectations and just deal with what there is in your life today, at this moment.
I LOVE YOU!!!
Hey Emily - I just found your blog. You are such an awesome mom. I can just tell! I don't necessarily have any words of wisdom. Just make sure you're doing things for yourself that make you happy. Whether it's drinking a diet coke, eating chocolate, or handing Jasper to someone for 45 minutes for a pedicure. Do it! Bring him over here and we will play with him while you and Jake go to Aroma. Seriously.
When my kids didn't have a "schedule" yet, I loved the Baby Whisperer "non-schedule schedule". You've read a thousand books, so you probably already know it, but it's her EASY plan. Baby Eats, Activity, Sleeps, You time (and repeat). E-A-S-Y. And you're not supposed to look at the clock. Just let that be your schedule. No matter how short the naps. Especially since he's still so little. And remind him one day, that you worked this hard for him - so he owes you now ;).
Anyway, that was my saving grace. Hope to see you soon!
so i was going to call you that afternoon to check in, and i thought to call rob first, who said that if i called and woke you up he would kill me. oh i miss being close to sweet family that loves each other. i am glad things are going better!
and i second the wiz, i hope you DO share when things are less than perfect, cause if nothing else, it makes every other mom feel validated!
love you!
AMEN!! I've been a mom for two and half years and I have days when I just feel so out of control. Those are hard days. Good luck finding a routine. That is where I get my little bit of sanity.
Lovely, wonderful Emily! I just wanted you to know, as I'm sure many other women will, that it is completely okay to let all of this out. You can do it! It's okay to ask for help. (That one's hard, but so important). And you are loved! Take care of yourself, lady! Love you!
Thank you for sharing this. I think many of us need to know that there are others in the same battle. I'm right there with you. Approaching 3 months & wondering when I will be in control again. And then I remember...I'm not & probably never will be again:( I believe being a mother is the greatest and hardest thing in the entire world. Hang in there on the tough days, because when there is a good day, it is all worth it:)
Ah, Em. You are doing it perfectly! Thankfully, the great days will come and outweigh the hard ones. But man, I swear those hard ones weigh at least 5 pounds more than one good sometimes! He's so perfect and he deserves you! Although I used to ask myself- why am I losing to a 3 week old?
Oh it does get better. I'm glad you shared this, b/c you are not alone. If you want to or need to hear how hard it is from someone else, I can relate. Really the first ... lots of months of Clive's life were so hard for me. I don't feel that way anymore!
I had a hard time postpartum. I attribute much of it to being exhausted. Every mom is exhausted, it's true. But it really affects me, very badly, when I am so tired. Even now, when the very regular 2.5 year old has a bad night, or a bad day and does not nap, that really throws me off.
The cliche (but it's true): IT GETS BETTER. I remember writing a similar post back in the day, and saying "well, if you've all been there, why don't you understand how bad I feel?"
I realized the other day that each current stage of Kimball's life is my favorite. I look back with SUCH fondness, but I wouldn't want him to go back, if that makes sense. It only gets better and better.
Some babies take longer than others to get it down. If Jasper clicks into a schedule next week--that would be awesome. It not, it may take some more patience and prayer, but you know you love him and it's all worth it.
I know that other people would love to take him for a while (I know because I am one of them!), so make sure you take advantage of that, if you can. Hang in there!
For what it's worth, you and Jasper are just beautiful. Jake's not that bad either, I guess. :)
Here is that post of mine, by the way: http://ashleyandjordan.blogspot.com/2009/07/some-introspection.html
I like going back and reading it, now and then. I totally get why you wanted to write all this down. It's good that you did.
oh you are so close to that magic moment, don't give up hope. one morning you'll wake up and realize your baby didn't wake up all night (then you'll panic) and realize it's starting. it's good to write it though so you can reflect on it when times change and when the next child comes. the hardest thing for me was letting go of 'being in control' it's taken three kids to get some of that. so i feel for you. it's so hard when you just want to nap! i hope he starts regulating his sleep soon!
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